Mother's Day and the adoption triad

Here comes Hallmark once again to wake us up to our vulnerabilities! 

​Mother’s Day is a challenging holiday for many people for many reasons.  It is an affliction for those trying to get pregnant or carry a pregnancy to term, to those blocked by finances or discrimination from building a family by other means. It is an intrusive reminder of loss for those whose beloved mothers have died and for those who have a more ambiguous loss via a complicated, difficult relationship with their mother.

For members of adoptive families --- adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents --- all of the above may be true for them and yet there is more.  

Imagine how Mother's Day may land for someone who is being raised by an adoptive mother.  The holiday can be a reminder that there is another mother out there.  Are they allowed to talk about that? To ask questions? To speak to the reality --- what will always be true --- that they have more than one mother?  Even if an adoption is open and the child has contact with their birth mother they are getting messages, spoken and unspoken, about the extent to which it is ok to acknowledge these feelings and questions.  In an adoptive family that does not have the ability to fully acknowledge the fact that the child has at least four parents, there is an emotional asterisk on the holiday, the thing that cannot be mentioned.  A sense of disloyalty to the mother who is raising them can be conveyed and mapped onto the curiosity and feelings the adopted child has about their origins.  To think these thoughts, to grieve this loss is to be disloyal. 

Adoptive moms who are able to feel fully entitled to parent and embrace their children's reality can offer something very different to their children.  They may have their own complex relationship to the holiday, some combination of joy at being a mother and grief about lost pregnancies or the aching desire to have been the one to carry and give birth to the child they love so dearly.  If they are able to hold the complexity of their own experience they can hold complexity for their children, which starts with allowing their children to love as many people as widely and deeply as comes naturally.  Adoptive moms have better outcomes in terms of satisfaction and emotional health when they are able to see that their children's love and curiosity for their birth mothers are additive and do not take anything away.  My child loves their birth mother and me, rather than my child loves their birth mother or ​me.  

Whether the family has an open or closed adoption, an adoptive mother can nourish her bond to her child by being willing to parent the child's experience, initiate conversation about it and give explicit permission to explore the issue verbally. "You know, I always think of your birth mom on Mother's Day. Do you?  Would it feel nice to make her a card like you do for me?"  If there is contact, "Would you like to have a Mother's Day call with her?" If an adoptive mom has a relationship with their child's first mom she can let the child know what that looks like, which is a meta communication that the relationship does not have to be dodged or hidden.  "You know, I always send her a card myself because I appreciate her so much and am glad she is in our lives."  If it is a closed adoption, an adoptive mom can demonstrate her availability to parent her child's experience by being inquisitive.  "I wonder what it is like for you to not be able to speak to your birth mom.  Do you have questions about her? I wish she was able to be in contact with us too."

Did you know that the Saturday before Mother's Day has been designated as Birth Mother's Day?  The holiday was created as adoptions in the U.S. first started to open up in the early 1990's and was a step toward recognition of the women who had to that point been largely erased from the mainstream narratives of adoption.  It has become a means for some of honoring their motherhood and their loss. Some first mothers embrace this day and some reject it, either skipping it entirely or preferring to be celebrated on the national mother's day rather than being designated to a special subcategory.  I think it's important to recognize the magnitude of the task of identity-development for those who have placed babies for adoption.  There is a process of reckoning with both being and not being a mother, of always being a mother who has given birth and yet not being the mother who raises the child.  There is an extraordinary legacy of emotional labor left to do once the baby has been placed with a family. And even if a birth mother finds herself in a welcoming and warm open adoption, there is uncertain and often shifting terrain in terms of who they are and who they get to be in the constellation of extended family around their child. ​      

First mothers will always have a deep relevance to their children on many levels.  Birth mothers and their children will either have a direct relationship in an open adoption or a relationship to one another's absence in a closed one.  How their relevance to one another gets explored and developed typically depends on the adoptive parents.     

If you are any member of the adoption triad, Mother's Day and Father's Day often come with a lot of freight to carry.  If you need support bearing it, please know you are not alone.  See my resources page or contact me directly for support or referrals to supports appropriate to your situation.